Cash, Dash, and a Wedding Bash
by Martiangirl
Summary: Commander X2 is finally getting married for real this time to his Queen. But Fate seems to try to trip him up every step of the way. Rating went up for some violence and suggestive themes.
1. Default Chapter

**Summary:** It's Commander X-2's wedding day. . .and just about everything you could think of goes wrong! Will he ever make it to the ceremony or is he doomed to stay a bachelor for the rest of his days?

**Disclaimer:** Duck Dodgers and anyone in it are property of Warner Bros. This is just an idea inspired by the coupling of X-2 and Tyranni in "Of Course You Know This Mean War and Peace" and by the name of the upcoming episode (which I just found out has nothing to do with the couple. That title is so misleading). By the way, the relatives, are pretty much my invention. The lines equal a cut to another scene.

**Cash, Dash, and a Wedding Bash**

The sun peaked out over the Martian horizon as the two moons began to set. The hustle and bustle of the city of Cydonia was just starting to slow as Martians were both settling down to sleep and just beginning to wake to the new morning. In a penthouse apartment, one Martian remained blissfully unaware of the goings outside as he continued dozing in bed.

"Wakey wakey! Time's a wasting!" A gloved hand grabbed his shoulder and shook him awake.

"Uh-what?" The Martian commander blinked awake and rubbed his eyes in confusion.

"Come on now, up up! Mustn't be late!" A high nasally voice spoke out to him as someone pulled the comforter away and pulled him out of bed.

"Right, right, don't want to be late!" He parroted sleepily, not having a clue what was going on.

"Let's see. . ." The being continued on, "Now you wash up while I go look for a robe." The little Martian put up little resistence as he was shoved into his bathroom. Yawning, he lazily turned on the sink facet and splashed the icy water onto himself. He was still rubbing his face when the Martian's exhausted eyes suddenly snapped wide open. It had just dawned on him that there was an uninvited guest in his bedroom.

"Towel?" The cheery little voice returned offering a hand towel.

"AAHHH! Who are you and what are you doing in my room!" He turned toward a short, sandy-haired Martian about his own size and build.

"Well, why wouldn't I be here on my big cousin's big day?" The slightly taller Martian blinked for a few minuted before a vague recollection kicked in.

"Gustav?"

"Gus." The other corrected as he adjusted his oversized glasses.

"Right. . .Gus. So, _Gus_. . .HOW'D YOU GET INSIDE MY HOUSE!" The Commander screamed with enough force to send his cousin stumbling back a few steps.

"You always were a sore one." He muttered to himself as he wiped his glasses with his shirt. "I just thought you'd appreciate some of the family coming over!"

"You mean there's more of you!" The older Martian suddenly dropped his rant at the unexpected and certainly unwanted newsflash.

"Sure thing!" Happy to see any degree of decrease in temperament, Gus grabbed and dragged his cousin to the top stairs balcony. The entire downstairs was lined with Martians of all ages, it was impossible to see the floor

"HAPPY WEDDING DAY!" The swarm all shouted in unison.

"Gus,. . . who are all these people?"

"Don't you even remember your own relatives?"

"Well, actually. . ." The Commander brought up his forefinger to his chin in a mock thinking pose, "no."

"Well it _has_ been nearly thirty years. . .I suppose I should reintroduce you to some of the folks." He yanked them downstairs and began pointing.  
"There's Cousin Bobby, Uncle Rex, Aunt Rachel, Cousin Mel, Siren, Si_rus_, Timothy, Tommy, Armand, Sora, Will, Bill, Phil, Lil-" as he continued listing, thick fingers grabbed the Commander by the scruff of his neck and pulled him away through the sea of people.

"Hey, little cuz! Can't believe it's the big day!" A tall Martian pulled him into a huge bear hug.

"Th-thanks. . .And you are . . .?"

"Max. Oh man. . .It's been a while hasn't it! Seems like only yesterday us two were playing manhunt with my pup."

"Uh. . .?"

"You _do_ remember Marcus?

"M-Marcus?"

"Yeah, I remember how close you two used to be." As if. The shorter Martian was sure that Stephen King must of had one of that cur's gentler ancestors in mind when he wrote "Cujo."Flashes of the snarling maniac animal his cousin was confusing with a dog sprang to mind.

_ Being introduced to the thing as a toddler, being told to offer the "nice puppy" a biscuit and then screaming in terror and pain as the animal chomped into the cookie and the rest of his arm. _

_ Riding down the street on his bike. Then peddling like the devil was after him as he was chased until the mongrel caught up with him and tore his bike to shreds, leaving it only a twisted pile of medal and rubber. _

_ Sitting in his car with his date after prom and clutching for each other as the demonic cur suddenly burst out of nowhere, covered in blood and filth as it snapped in rage and tried to claw its way inside. _

_ Images of just last year when it grabbed him in its gapping jaws and dropped him in a pit with a bunch of other unfortunate souls, where it proceeded to bury them alive._

"Oh yeah. . .I remember. . .he's not here. . .is he?" He glanced around nervously, half expecting to be attacked by the monster that had plagued his dreams as a child.

"Nah." The commander breathed a sigh of relief and almost didn't pay attention as his cousin continued talking.  
"Funny story actually. Turns out Marc was a Marci. Had a litter of pups about two months ago. Couldn't bring them all, but I figured you'd like to say hello to the twins. Say hello to Romulus and Remus!" He introduced two of the biggest, snarling, drooling beasts imaginable. Both growling in unison and displaying huge dripping fangs.  
"I knew you'd like them! But you'll have to be a bit more gentle with these two. They're just puppies after all." Puppies? He couldn't imagine anything that looked less like puppies. Rabid prehistoric saber-toothed wolves maybe. The Commander quickly ducked behind some ankles.

"There you are!" Gus pulled him over toward a towering Martian that looked like he could barely fit in the house.

"I'd like you to meet Roscoe."

"H-hello." The gigantic Martian said nothing, but continued to stare down at the two.

"Oh I forgot to tell you. Roscoe took a vow of silence."

"You don't say." A doorbell rang.

"Oh goody, the suit's here!" Gus clapped his hands excitedly and soon returned with white box. "Here it is! Nothing too good for the groom!"

"With all due respect, I appreciate the offer, but I must tell you I already have a suit."

"With all due respect, cousin, you have a horrid sense of fashion."

"Excuse me!"

"Yeah I saw that hideous thing you had laid out. I wouldn't want my worst enemy buried in it. So I gave it to the good will truck before I ordered this one. Custom fit. You like it!"

"You gave away my suit! That was a rental!"

"Well, you'll forget all about it when you see what I picked out." Gus opened the box to show off a sharp looking black tux and tie. The older Martian exploded.

"It's exactly the same!"

"Pu-lease! Feel that?" He pulled his cousin's hand to feel the material. "It's Italian. Nice huh? And I was able to convince them to give you a discount, too."

"Listen here you little-ooh that is nice!" The Commander decided to forget the fact that he was going to be left holding the bill for two suits. . .just this once.

"Well, we should get going. Come on you two."

"What do you need _him_ for?" The Commander jerked a thumb over at Roscoe.

"Roscoe here's going to be our personal assistant."

"Say what!" Before he knew it, the diminutive Martian was in the grips of a gigantic hand as Roscoe trudged up the stairs.

"Put me down! I have legs you kno-OW!" Roscoe abruptly dropped him onto the floor.

"Okay, Roscoe, you help him get ready while I make sure everything's on schedule down here." Gus called up from the bottom of the stairs.

"No really, that's not necessarIIIEEEEE!" All the smaller Martian's protests went unheard as his pajamas were ripped off and he was tossed into a tub of boiling hot water. He was held down under the water grasping for anything that would allow him to breath, until he was yanked out and wrapped in a towel.  
His relief was short lived as he was grabbed in a choking hold and had a toothbrush and paste shoved violently down his throat. The caustic scrubbing continued until he was squeezed so hard he was forced to spit out the mint-flavored foam.  
A minute later, the Martian Commander was beginning to wish Roscoe was still helping him brush his teeth as he saw the razor in the giant's meaty grip.

* * *

"Is everything set?" Gus was making his rounds making sure all the guests were dressed, had the address and were ready to take off at a moment's notice. He strolled over to where he had left the suit only to find an empty box. Puzzled he began searching and interrogating the guests. 

"Gus! There you are! Uh, listen . . .there's a bit of a situation."

"Not now, Maxwell, I seem to have misplaced our favorite commander's suit."

"That's the thing I wanted to talk to you about. I just went outside to get some air and well . . . I found this." He held out a mud and drool saturated tux. "Turns out the twins were in the process of burying it in the backyard."

"Oh Jeez, oh. . .ah. . .we got to do something. . .ah. " Gus stuttered frantically as he tried to think of what to do.  
"Quick, take this and go to #57 Solar St. Hurry! Move it!" Gus pushed the confused Martian and ruined tux out the door. Gus raced upstairs and into the washroom to find Roscoe pinning down his flailing cousin, a sharp shaving razor poised to his throat.  
"Will you two quit messing around. We have a situation!" Gus went back downstairs as he flipped open his cell phone and dialed someone on speed dial.  
"Hello, Sergio, this is Gustav. . .yes it is an emergency. . .what do you think? You think you can handle it in time. . .? Oh thank you, you're a gem!" He closed his phone just in time to see his frazzled cousin stumble behind him looking like he just escaped a near brush with death.   
"Hey there. . .uh. . .what happened to your neck?" Gus looked at the red stained bandage around the Commander's throat. The Martian just made a labored gurgling sound before he was able to vocalize words.

"N-never mind that. I just want to get dressed, get married and wait for this nightmare to end!"

"Yeah well, that's going to be a bit of a problem . . . your tux had a little run in with Max's hounds and was their personal chew toy for a while."

"This cannot be happening! I'm getting married this afternoon!"

"Don't panic, cousin. I've talked with Sergio at the cleaners and he says he'll give your suit the highest priority. It'll be ready within an hour and a half at the latest." The groom-to-be said nothing as he stormed back upstairs to his rooms to put on some normal clothes. He yanked open his closet to find nothing but empty clothes hangers. Curious, he rushed over to his dressers and pulled out the drawers. There wasn't a single shred of clothing to be seen as he shook them upside down. And then he saw them. The two overgrown jackals were just finishing tearing up every outfit he ever acquired into a pile of assorted rags.

"Put those down, you worthless mongrels!" The Martian made a lame attempt at retrieving a shirt from one of the dog's jaws. The dog whipped him around and sank his teeth into the Martian's hand.  
"AHHH! Down Down BAD DOG!" He grabbed the nearest blunt object he could get his hands on, a steel lamp. He continued to strike at the huge muzzle, however it was about as useful a weapon as a rubber duck. It seemed finally after thirty minutes of chewing, shaking and whipping him around like an old sock, the curs got bored and let him down to die in peace.

"Well, what happened?" Gus peaked into the bedroom and saw the shredded cloth.

"Oh nothing, I just had a little run with two out of the three heads of Cerberus and will now have to spend my next five paychecks on medical bills and a new wardrobe. Nothing special. Why do you ask?" The Commander glared at his younger cousin, just daring him to say something that would give him an excuse to slap him. Gus turned away from his wrathful cousin and began to search for anything that might assuage the Commander's temper

"Well there's always this." Gus pulled out the one hanger the mutts had missed. The only decent piece of clothing left was his commander's uniform.

* * *

"Hey, Ares, where's the war!" Some idiot in the house called out as he stormed through the living room and headed for the door. Another voice chimed in 

"Planning on cutting down a few Earth punks on your way out or are you just moving your honeymoon to ground zero!" More laughter broke out until he finally made it outside.

"A-ha-ha-ha." The Commander snarled as he stared up his car. "First thing I do as king is to order the whole lot of you shot." He muttered secretly to himself. He was so glad he had managed to get the address from Max. At least now he might have a few precious moments away from his insane relatives.

"Hey wait a second!" Gus ran out toward the car before he could escape. "Don't you want someone to come with you?"

"Despite what you may think, I am quite capable of taking care of myself and accomplish this mediocre task. You just get those people out of my house and at the temple. I'll meet you there. AND DON"T YOU DARE TELL ME I NEED THAT GIANT FREAK TO HELP ME DRESS!" The Commander shifted into drive and took off as fast as physics would safely allow him.

He drove up to the dry cleaners a while later, taking in with some foreboding the locked gates and lack of activity. He strolled toward the door and read the posted sign reading.

_ Gone on Leave. Back in two weeks_.

"Two weeks! This cannot be! Lousy stupid OW" in his rage and frustration, Marvin had kicked fiercely at the door, jamming his own foot. Balancing on one leg and cradling his throbbing foot, Marvin continued ranting until he noticed a note that had been taped to the door fluttering to the ground.

"What's this?"

_Dear _

"Mmm the name's smudged."

_ Heard about the incident with your suit. I would have handled it myself but I was just called in to help with a family crisis. Seems by brother's summerhouse in the Venusian desert got completely submerged in a flood during monsoon season. Don't worry, I sent your suit to a friend of mine on Earth. Trust me, he's one of the best. You'll be spruced up and ready to wed in no time. Can't have the Queen's consort showing up in rags, can we? Address is enclosed inside._

"Earth! He sent it to Earth? Of all the stupid-And exactly how am I supposed to get through the new shields and back without being toasted like marshmallow?"

* * *

A dinged up and rundown lime green shuttle lurched through space, sputtering smoke through it's worn out engines. The Martian avoided eye contact with everyone and just stared ahead irritated as he sat between two oversized slug monsters. 

"Just my luck." The Commander pulled out and looked at his pathetically empty wallet "Of course the bus shuttle _would_ only accept cash." He grimaced as the two gargantuan bodies he was sandwiched between shifted and squashed him further. He sighed and glanced up and saw a hefty looking amphibian female. Her frog-like face grinned and her long tongue darted out to the passing refreshment cart, grabbing a bag of peanuts. She never lost her smile as she chewed away. Her tongue stuck out again as she presented her creation: a drool saturated heart of chewed up peanuts with a crinkled blue bag background.

The Commander shrank back in disgust, trying to disappear into his seat. The tongue shot out again, wrapping around the diminutive Martian, pinning his arms to his side in a constrictor's grip and lifting him into the air  
"Y-y-y-yes?" he squeaked, a cold sweat running down his face as he was forced within an inch of the gaping, grinning mouth.

"Care to dance, sugah?" She croaked in a deeply masculine voice.

"AAHHHH!"

The second the shuttle landed, a screaming two-foot tall Martian was the first thing to race out through the doors. He ducked into a men's room and looked dejectedly at his face, which was smothered in huge purple lipstick kisses. He turned on the facet and dunked his head in the water-filled sink in a desperate attempt to wash the marks and memory away.

He creaked the door open and peaked outside. There wasn't a sign of the lady anywhere. Finally convinced he was safe, he eased outside and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Freeze, Martian!" His eyes bugged out as he realized an entire swat team of Protectorate guards had him surrounded with drawn phasers all trained on him.

* * *

It was dark. So dark that you couldn't even see a person's eyes. Suddenly a spotlight shone on him. He was no longer in the bus station, but sitting on a stool in a room. He turned toward the darkness where he knew the particular audience who watched his every move would be. 

"I don't know how they found me so quickly either, folks."

"Who are you working for, Martian?" A familiar voice rang out around.

"Well, I think it would be fairly obvious after two seasons."

"Never mind the wise cracks! Martians entering Earth territory without prior notification or permits, is an extremely large cause for suspicion. So I must ask, what are you doing here?" Star Johnson materialized out of the darkness into the light.

"I came to pick up my laundry." Johnson's eye quirked in a mixed expression of confusion and skepticism. "What? I mean it. I'm sorry if I sounded sarcastic."

"Aren't you that Martian that Her Highness is engaged to?

"Yes."

"The news says she is to be married today. Why aren't you there?"

"Because the Fates think ruining my life is more entertaining than HBO. Look I have no intention of destroying the Earth. . . today anyway, so if you don't mind, I'd like get back to Mars before my fiancé runs off with the wedding singer."Another human the Commander recognized as the secretary of the stratosphere, Dr. I. Q. Hi, appeared behind Johnson

"Well, I'm sure we all would like to get on our way, however, we must follow standard procedures. First you will have to answer a few questions. You will need to fill out these forms." He dropped a stack of papers twice his size into the Martian's hands. "In triplicate. You'll need to apply for a temporary visa, show at least five separate pieces of ID. You'll also required a note from an office of Martian authority that you bear no ill intentions toward Earth and/or its citizens during the duration of your visit, and of course pay a fine for your initial trespassing, a minimum amount of 1000, which if not paid, unfortunately, could land you in for about 2 to 4 years in prison time." The Martian looked up at his stack of papers, his left eye twitching.

"GAHHH!" Flinging the stack into the air, Commander X-2 leapt up from his seat and onto I.Q.'s chest, grabbing his coat in his hands and forcing the human to eye level. "Listen here you fashioned-challenged, paper-pushing civil servant! I just woke up this morning only to find my house half infested with relatives I didn't even know I had! I was nearly boiled, strangled and slashed in a span of thirty seconds! My only suit and I were viciously manhandled by two steroid infused demon dogs! My idiot cousin handed it over to a cleaner who's relatives decided to live in the only desert in the galaxy that has a flash flood in one night! I had to suck five dollars in change out of a payphone to take the cheapest shuttle into enemy territory, only to get crushed by two obese passengers and molested by another who proclaimed her love for me in half digested legumes! Now you and your goons insist on playing 20 questions with me and I'm getting married in 3 hours! The ice is getting progressively thin! Do not toy with me!" Johnson, I. Q., as well as any other Protectorate officers who might have been in the area, looked on warily at the Martian teetering over the edge.

"Uh. . .maybe we could let you off with a warning."

* * *

Okay listen up, I didn't mean for this to run so long, but I was feeling inspired. As a result the second part isn't even done yet (it's getting there, don't worry). But I didn't want to leave you with nothing, so I decided to split this story in half and give you the first part. Yeah, our favorite Martian's troubles are far from over. Just think of this as a two part episode. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** Previous one applies here.

**Summary: **What _should _have happened! I added another scene to make up for what a certain group of writers did. By the way Christie, thanks for the help with parts of this! hugs

**Cash, Dash, and a Wedding Bash** (episode 2)

"Nice of the writers to squeeze in the star of this show." Duck Dodgers muttered bitterly as he strolled down the sidewalk in his casual wear. 

"L-lia-li-lia-let's just be thankful we were included at all," his Cadet tried to point out.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

"So w-wh-wia-wh-why are we here again?"

"Beats me. All I know is we needed to pick up our old Halloween outfits from the dry cleaners before we embark to Germania Six." Dodgers gestured to the brown paper package he had cradled in his arms.

"I can already see where t-thia-th-thia-this is heading." As if on cue, and it probably was, Commander X-2 hustled down the side walk, carrying an identical brown paper package, his eyes glued to his wristwatch.

"Oh where is that bus port! I'm going to miss my flight. Gah! Why didn't I stop and ask directions-oof!" The Martian's rambling was cut short as he collided into Dodgers.

"Watch where you're goin-YOU!" X-2 spat in disgust.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't the Martian who's been stealing all the limelight for the path half hour!" Dodgers sneered as he stood up from where he had fallen.

"You _JERK! _I suppose you're here to ruin another wedding, am I right!"

"Hey, it's not _my_ fault the Queen wasn't as desperate as you took her for!"

"How is it that your mere presence is enough to cause everyone within a 10 mile radius complete and utter misery!"

"Jealous, huh?"

"I don't have time to listen to your mindless drivel!" The Commander picked himself off the sidewalk and dusted himself off. He was about to reach for his package when he realized it had a twin. "Uh which one's mine?"

"Um. . .this one. . .no wait! This one. . ." Dodgers' mind flipped flopped as he tried to figure out which one was which

"W-w-wih-wa-wia-what did I tell ya." The Cadet remarked secretly to the audience, as the other two continued arguing.

"Ah here it is! This is mine." The mallard held up a package triumphantly.

"Are you sure?" The Martian questioned dubiously.

"What do you mean? Of course I am. See? That's the ketchup stain from by cereal and milk bar this morning."

"That's not ketchup you idiot!"

"Are you saying I'm not smart enough to tell ketchup when I see it!"

"Do you really want an answer to that, Dodgers? Look, why don't we just open one package to see which is which?" The Martian was just in the process of tearing some of the paper off the package in his hand, when Dodgers snatched it from his hands.

"Oh no ya don't! I'm taking _my_ package and going on _my_ way!"

"B-bia-bi-b-bia-but Captain, why don't we?" The Cadet could see no reason why his Captain would be so stubborn.

"Listen, I didn't go through all the trouble of making sure we had indistinguishable packages just so he could know which is mine!"

"D-D-Duh-Di-D-Do you even listen to yourself when you t-t-tia-ti-talk?"

"Besides, if he opens mine, he'll, you know. . ._know! _And there's no way I'm letting the Martian know I wear lederhosen!" Well, that was a rather pointless argument, the Cadet figured, seeing as the Martian had been right behind them and had heard every word.

"_Lederhosen_, Dodgers?" The Martian quirked an eye in amusement. Oh yeah, he was definitely filing this tidbit away for future blackmail purposes.

"That's it! We're leaving! Come on, Cadet!"

"Hmph, see you at Oktoberfest, Dodgers." He could resist one last jab. When they were gone, he turned back to his package, where supposedly his suit resided. "Mm maybe I should check just to make sure." He ripped the paper away and stared neutrally at the single set of lederhosen. Some how he expected as much and wasn't at all surprised.

"Typical. I don't even know why I even bothered to check." He let out a sigh of exasperation to himself as he turned around to see if he could catch up with Dodgers.

* * *

"All right, Cadet. Let's just get going!" 

"Sure thing, Captain!" A series loud clangs echoed through the ship.

"Hey, Cadet, I thought you said you were going to get the boiler fixed!"

"I-I-I did, Captain." The Cadet glanced at the rearview mirror to see the Martian Commander banging on the door. "L-li-l-l-looks like the Commander's trying to g-gi-gia-gi-g-get inside."

"He just doesn't know when to quit does he? Turn on the main thrusters!"

"C-ci-co-c-couldn't we just see what he wants?"

"THAT'S AN ORDER, CADET!"

"S-st-s-starting main thrusters. All systems a g-go!"

"Take us outta here!"

* * *

"What the-!" The ground shook as the engines of Dodger's ship fired up. "Oh no you don't!" 

The Commander made a flying leap toward the departing ship, just managing to claw onto the engine wing jutting outside, his parcel squeezed under one arm.

He fought against the rapid air current as the ship took off into space. He could only be thankful for his Martian anatomy that allowed him to survive in the emptiness of space.

Slowly, he managed to inch his way along the ship's hull toward the door. Summoning all the strength that his puny little body could muster, he forced his fingers into the cracks of the sliding door and shoved it open, ducking the flying debris that was sucked out into the vacuum. The Martian was just able to pull himself into the ship and push the door shut. He slid to the floor in exhaustion as he clutched his chest trying to catch his breath.

"I wonder if my Queen is going through this much difficulty." He wondered aloud to himself.

* * *

The Queen sat in her bridal suite, dressed in her finest. Her hand maidens huddled around her preparing for the ceremony. 

"Is everything ready?" Queen Tyranni asked as she straightened her hair.

"Yes, Your Majesty." One of the women answered.

"The flowers? The band? The food? The guests are all here?"

"Yes, Your Majesty, everything is in order, just as it should be."

"I can't believe this is actually happening!" She looked longingly into the mirror as though expecting her true love to materialize through it and whisk her away any second.

"Pardon for any impertinence, but I thought you were _over_ the Commander."

"It's funny, I thought I was, but then I remembered how much I cared for him during the years we were together. Frankly, I am amazed he would still be interested after well. . .you know. But that's in the past. I won't disappoint him again! I am going to march out there right now and proclaim to the galaxy how much he means to me!" With a newfound determination, she stood up from her chair and prepared to meet her future husband.

"But Your Highness, the ceremony won't be starting for another hour and a half."

"Oh. . ." The Queen sat back down unsure as to what she could do for the next ninety minutes. " . . .anyone up for a quick game of Yahtzee?" The women all nodded in unanimous agreement.

"Yeah sure why not?"

* * *

"Give me back my suit!" An irritated Martian Commander stormed into the bridge. 

"What are you talking about!" Dodgers snarled.

"Because of your inane twisted sense of logic, we have the wrong packages! So give mine back before I am forced to resort to physical persuasion!"

"Look here, I don't know what you think I think or what I think you think I think. . ."The Commander and Cadet glanced at each other to make sure they hadn't just hallucinated what they thought Dodgers had just spouted out. The duck continued, ignoring their looks.

"But I'm telling you without at doubt that I don't have your stupid suit! And I'll prove it to you," Dodgers pulled out his package and began to tear at the paper, "once and for all! Ah ha!" Dodgers pulled out a set of traditional German clothing and thrust it in the Martian's face. The Commander's eyes widened in shock and confusion at the fact that Dodgers had been telling the truth. Apparently, it was news to Dodgers as well.

"Hey, what'd ya know? I was right!" He looked on with gleeful satisfaction

"Well. . .uh. . .I certainly didn't see _that _one coming."

"Y-you're telling me." The Cadet looked just as equally stunned that the familiar gag didn't turn out quite as expected.

"But. . .but this is impossible! I _saw_ the man put in my tuxedo before I left! It couldn't have just evaporated!"

"Maybe you're just blind! Serves you right! Perhaps this'll teach ya to think twice before you go accusing poor innocent ducks of stealing your stupid-" The cadet appeared next to Dodgers, carrying a pint-sized black tuxedo which he had dug up from the same wrapping. The duck's eyes narrowed in annoyance, grumbling to himself as he retreated back to his captain's seat.

"Louie really needs to fire that new guy."

The Cadet just smiled smugly and handed the clothing back to the Martian.

"Come on, Cadet, quit wasting time! We gotta get moving!" Dodgers bellowed out impatiently, eager for any deviation of attention away from his own embarrassment.

"Aye-aye, C-C-Cia-Ci-Captain!"

"I don't suppose I could borrow one of your shuttles to take back to Mars?" The Commander asked questionably, before the crew forgot he was there.

"Th-thia-the-th-thi-the shuttle crafts are offline for r-r-ria-ruh-ru-repairs. But I-I-I-I have an idea!" The Cadet helpfully suggested. "Why d-du-d-don't we give you lift?"

"I hope you have the same cake as last time!" Dodgers licked his beak as the thought of the scrumptious wedding cake at the ceremony. "Though I guess if would be alright if you had lemon custard filling. You going to have those big shrimp, too?"

"You'd just love that wouldn't you?" The Commander addressed Dodgers as he stalked toward the duck threateningly.

"Do you think that after what happened last time, I'm even going to consider you coming anywhere near this wedding!

"What? What happened?"

"Forget it! I refuse to let you within 50 million miles of the planet let alone drop me off. I'll manage quite well on my own."

"You mean on some ratty looking economy bus?"

"What's it to you?" The Commander narrowed his eyes, expecting some condescending remark from his greatest foe.

"Nothin'." Dodgers remarked rather bored. He pulled out a bag of popcorn and began munching. With his beak still full, he spoke again before the Martian could turn away. "But if you were planning on taking it back, it'll be a problem, seeing as your plane just flew by."

"WHAT!" The Martian whipped around to see the junky green bus rattle by the window.

"Isn't that t-th-t-th-the last bus until m-mi-mia-muh-m-morning?"

"Oh no! No no no no no no no no NO NO NO NO!" The Commander sobbed as he banged his head against the metal wall, punctuating each "no".

"Shouldn't we s-st-stu-sto-stop-eh-st-do something?" The Cadet looked on worryingly at the Martian who was in the process of giving himself a concussion.

"Why? It's funny!" Dodgers chuckled as he continued to stuff his mouth with popcorn, intent on watching the Martian's torment for the next few hours. The Cadet gave him a stern look, silently urging his captain to do the right thing. The captain tossed down his bag in disgust and annoyance.

"Okay fine! Hey Martian, quit putting dents in the paneling! You know, the offer's still good."

"I don't suppose I have much choice in the matter. Just. . ._please_,. . .promise me that you won't do anything that'll ruin this for me. I don't think I can take another year of trying to win back my Queen's love."

"D-du-du-d-don't worry. We'll promise to s-st-sti-st-stay out of your way and do nothing that would ru-eh-ru-r-rui- spoil this special day for you."

"Thaaaanks I really appreciate this." The Commander forced himself to say, not quite believing it but not wanting to seem impolite. "And I'll have you know that I have complete trust in you."

"Hey, look at me, Cadet! I can balance a pencil on my beak!" Dodgers laughed as he stared up toward the ceiling trying to keep the writing tool upright. It lasted a few seconds before tumbling off.

"Heh, heh, heh. . .excuse me." The Martian stepped out of the bridge. Once he was out of their visual range, he pulled out his cell phone and dialed a number.

"Hello, Martian High Command? I want to report an unauthorized Earth Protectorate ship with the intent on trespassing through Martian territory. Uh huh. . .yes. . .immediate arrest. . .yep, soon as they land. Thank you." He snapped the phone shut and went to look for a place to change into his suit.

* * *

"Well, this is it." Queen Tyranni took a deep breath to calm her fluttering heart as the organ music began, signaling her entrance. She gracefully walked down the isle, but as she neared the front, she noticed a crucial piece of the ceremony was missing.  
"Where's the Commander?" 

"What do you mean 'where's the Commander?'?" A short Martian, resembling her fiancé got up from the back and began looking around frantically before coming up front.

"He's supposed to be here if I recall. I'm not marrying myself!" The Queen remarked irritably at the Martian.

"I thought he was up here!"

"WELL HE'S NOT!" The smaller Martian stumbled backward a bit at the Queen's scorching tone. He fumbled around trying to think of a way to ease her temper.

"G-give him some time. I'm sure he has a perfectly reasonable explanation. . . for completely sabotaging this ceremony."

"Well," One robot centurion leaned back, "looks like Her Highness is going to remain a bachelorette for a while longer." Another centurion shook its head.

"These celebrity marriages never last."

* * *

"Hmm, Gustav was right! This _is _far more stylish! Well, that's one point for the Earthlings so far." The Commander glanced back in at a full length mirror, admiring his reflection for a moment and smoothing out his suit. He took off his helmet, but then glanced back at the mirror. He put it back on then took it off again, trying to decide which looked better. 

"Eh, whatever." He stuck his helmet back on and left it there. He whipped out his cell phone again and dialed a number.

"Better let the family know, where I am." He waited anxiously as the phone rang a few times before someone answered.

"Hello?" A high geeky voice appeared at the other end.

"Gus? It's me."

"Where are you! The entire family's here and everything's ready to go!" The other Martian spat in a frantic whisper.

"I'll explain everything later. I'm on my way. Just make sure, nothing else goes awry!"

"ARE YOU CRAZY?" The Commander winced and pulled away the phone to keep the screaming voice from damaging his eardrums. "Our side's ready to walk out the building and those robots are taking bets on how long it'll take before the Queen dumps you again!"

"Lousy, mechanical -look, just do whatever you have to keep them there. Stall them! I'll be there as soon as I can." He hung up the phone and strolled out the hall only to bump into Dodgers yet again.

"Hey, what are you doing in my bedroom, you little freak!" The Protectorate Captain snapped.

"I just needed I place to change. And after my Queen nearly died after five minutes in your bathroom, I decided the risk was far too great."

"Well, . . .at least someone taught you how to dress over these past few years." He looked up and down the Martian with a hint of approval. There was a beat of silence before Dodgers spoke up in an attempt to break it.

"So, between you and me. . .how much?"

"How much what?" The Martian quirked his eyes in confusion.

"How much did you have to pay the writers to make this stupid episode?"

"I beg your pardon?" He replied, rather insulted.

"Well, let's see. . ." Dodgers began as though he were emplaning a fairly simple and obvious equation. "_I'm_ the star. . .I have more name recognition . . .I make more money than you and have a wider variety of merchandise made after me. Yet _you're_ hogging all the screen time with this two-parter, and it isn't even your season solo cartoon!"

"Hey, I can't help it if I'm more lovable than you." The Martian stated, crossing his arms.

"More lovable!" The duck shoved the Martian back in disgust. "Every time I turn around, you're trying to blow up the Earth!"

"Well, I'm just cuter than you, that's all. . .no offense." The Commander replied smug and rather proudly.

"How's that even possible! This show's for nine year-olds!"

"Never underestimate the power of the adolescent female demographic." Before the debate could escalate into a fist fight, the Cadet's voice came on over an intercom.

"C-C-Cia-Ci-Ca-C-Captain Dodgers, can you c-c-ci-come to the bridge?" Dodgers stormed away toward the bridge grumbling to himself.

"Cuter my tail feathers. . ." He sat down into his seat before he turned toward his Cadet. "Cadet, do you think I'm cute?." The Cadet just blinked before he finally registered what had just been said.

"Uh. . .why do you ask, Captain?" He ventured out warily.

"That stupid Martian says that he's cuter than me! I mean come on! He's just a cross-dressing bowling ball with eyes! Me on the other hand. . .," Dodgers licked his palm to slick back his head feathers and looked up with dilated pupils in his best wide-eyed puppy expression, "well just look at me!"

"Uh. . .please don-don-eh-d-do-eh-d-don't do that." The Cadet stuttered, a bit creeped out. His shock only last a few seconds before the computer counsel started beeping alarmingly.  
"Th-thia-th-thi-eh-th-that's odd. . .The computer says there's something b-buh-bu-be-b-blocking on the incinerator chutes. I'll be back in a minute, C-Cia-Cu-C-Captain." The Cadet scurried toward the door, just as the Commander stepped onto the bridge. 

"What was that all about?" The Martian asked curiously gesturing back toward the retreating Cadet.

"Who cares? Hmph, cuter, HAH! Think what you want, Martian. If you were really as popular as you think you are, you wouldn't have to make guest appearances at all those nerdy sci-fi gigs on weekends." If Dodgers was expecting to provoke an irritated response, he was disappointed. The Martian shrugged and casually strolled toward the captain.

"Incidently," Commander X-2 leaned over and whispered to the duck, "I've been making triple scale since season two."

"WHAT!" Dodgers pounced onto the unsuspecting Martian, and the two went tumbling onto the floor.

"C-Cia-C-Ce-C-Captain have you been using the incinerator as a g-ga-guh-g-garbage disposal again?" The Cadet arrived just in time to see Dodgers on the Martian's back, strangling the alien using his own necktie as a noose.  
"C-Cia-Ci-Ci-C-Captain Dodgers, STOP!". The Cadet frantically tried to pull his Captain off the suffocating Martian. 

"Make more money than me, will ya! Lousy little-spill it! What'd you do? Bribery? Blackmail? I know and tried them all!" Dodgers continued his assault, paying little attention to his Cadet. The Commander clawed at his neck as his face turned a deeper shade of blue.

"P-puh-p-p-pia-puh-p-please, Captain! Earth can't afford another M-Muh-Mia-Mu-M-Martian invasion because you s-struh-stra-strang-stru-st-st-killed the Queen's fiancé." The Cadet finally managed to pry the duck away, allowing the Martian to draw in life sustaining air.

"Can we just get to Mars as fast as possible?" The Commander managed to choke out, rubbing his still raw neck. "I want to land before something else happens to deviate us from course."

A moment later the ship shook violently as it was hit by something. They looked ahead and saw a Klunkin ship firing at them. Dodgers glared down at the sheepish looking Martian.

"You and your big fat nonexistent mouth!"

* * *

"'Stall them'? What does he mean 'stall them'?" Gus snapped close his phone in disgust. He looked around the chapel at the restless crowd, finally resting on the seething Martian Queen storming toward him. He squeaked in surprise as she lifted him off the ground by the front of his shirt. 

"Look little man, I want answers and I want them now! What's going on! Where's my Commander!" Gus squirmed in his Queen's grip before dropping to the ground. Adjusting his glasses, he turned around to address the guests.

"Um okay, listen up people. We got a little snag in our program. Turns out the groom. . .uh. . .isn't here." The crowd stirred anxiously.  
"But he will be here soon! Uh. . .in the meantime. . uh. . .let's have a little entertainment. Group karaoke! Anyone have any requests?" 

"Oooh, 'It's Raining Men'!" One centurion waved a mechanical arm in the air enthusiastically, earning him looks from the others surrounding him. "What?"

"Um. . .I think I heard 'I Say a Little Prayer'! Okay then." Gus turned toward the organ player and signaled for the tune. "No, no, the original. I never liked that calypso version."

_ The moment I wake up  
Before I put on my make up__  
I say a little prayer for you__  
While combing my hair now_

Max, Roscoe and another Martian Commander stood up and sang in a harmonic trio.

_ And wondering what dress to wear now_

The robotic centurions on the bride's side joined into the festivities as well.

_ I say a little prayer for you_

"Just the women now!" Every female on the grooms side stood up singing and clapping in a perfect imitation of a gospel choir.

_ Forever, forever, you'll stay in my heart  
and I will love you__  
Forever, forever, we never will part__  
Oh, how I'll love you__  
Together, together, that's how it must be__  
To live without you__  
Would only be heartbreak for me._

By now, the entire chapel, including the Martian elder performing the ceremony, was singing and laughing like it was happy hour.

_ I run for the bus, dear,  
While riding I think of us, dear,__  
I say a little prayer for you.__  
At work I just take time__  
And all through my coffee break-time,_

"Take it away Your Highness!" Gus signaled for the Queen, who had been standing off to the side brooding, to chime in. An awkward silence lasted for a few minutes as the Queen glared down in simmering rage. Finally, she consented.

"I say a little prayer for you." she muttered in a reluctant monotone, forcing him to move on. She ignored the crowd as they continued singing

"And Commander, you're going to _need_ that prayer when I'm through with you!" Tyranni vowed to herself.

* * *

"This is the Klunkin General Sa'am." The Klunkin leader's image suddenly flashed onto the view screen. "Surrender your ship or we'ra gonna blast ya!" "You know this isn't really a good time-" Dodgers was cut off as the doors to the bridge blew open and ten Klunkin soldiers barreled in with their weapons on them.  
"Hey, that was fast! You guys been practicing or what?" 

"Fergit it, Dodgers, you can't excape. You've cause me grief for da last time!"

"We'll fight our way out before we'll surrender! Now let's see. . ." Dodgers turned around to the Klunkin solders and counted off, "there's two-four-six ten of you and we have uh. . ."

"Th-thia-the-thia-three." The Cadet offered with annoyance.

"Actually, I'm unarmed." The Commander pointed out.

"What do you mean 'unarmed'? Well surely you know some super cool Martian martial arts moves, right?"

"Nope."

"Stupid, no good, lousy-What kind of a Martian are you that you don't carry a gun on you anyway?"

"Yes Dodgers, I guess I should always carry a laser phaser with me when I'm going to pick up my dry cleaning."

"So you're out and I have a sprained ankle. Cadet, I guess it's up to you."

"D-d-d-don't worry about me, Captain. I'm sure I c-c-ci-c-can take on ten Klunkins on my own." The Cadet muttered sarcastically.

"General, if I may say something?" The Martian Commander spoke up addressing Sa'am.

"What?" The Klunkin general snarled.

"Sir, I know that you must harbor an immense amount of hatred and ill will towards Dodgers. Heavens knows I have dreamed of seeing him skewered on a slow roasting fire on more than one occasion. But even after all the animosity we share, we have managed to put aside our differences to work together for a greater good many times. He's saved my life, that of his enemy, on more than one occasion. He even decided to take time out of his schedule to do this one last favor on this most joyous occasions. I think that speaks a lot for his character. That being said, I say to you. . .Do whatever you want with those two, but just leave me out it! I assure you I wish nothing but pain and suffering for them, but I need to get to my wedding!" Dodgers and the Cadet glared at the Martian, who ignored their looks of disgust.  
"Oh please, after all you put me through the years, you actually expected me to defend you?" 

"What?You're getting married_. . .again!"_ The Klunkin eyed the Commander in disbelief.

"If you'll just drop me off, I can make it worth your while."

"Hmm, maybe. . .how 'bout 5,000 Krontars and you have yourself a deal." The puny Martian looked into his empty wallet despairingly.

"Uh. . .I don't suppose you'd take a check?"

"What do you think, General?" One of the soldiers looked up to his leader questionably.

"Well,. . .After hearing all that, and seeing that you're really just an innocent bystander in all this, there's only one thing to say. . .TO THE ACID MINES WITH THE LOT OF DEM!"

"But, but but-!" The Commander stuttered in panic as he was being led away with the others.

"Sorry, I don't accept checks." Sa'am shrugged.

"How about credit?" He dug through his wallet to pull out a foldout of at least twelve different credit cards. The General peered from the screen.

"Is that a MartianExpress Platinum card!" The Klunkin gaped in disbelief.

"How'd you get _that!_" Dodgers looked on in obvious green-eyed envy.

"I have connections." The Martian replied rather smugly.

"Hmph, h-h-he really does make m-mi-m-more money than us." The Cadet admitted.

"Take his wallet and throw him with the others!" The General ordered.

"Nice going, Johnnie Cochran!"Dodgers grumbled to the Commander out of the side of his beak as they were led away.

* * *

"Hello, doctor." Captain Star Johnson walked into I.Q. Hi's office. 

"Oh, good afternoon, Captain." I.Q. looked up from his paperwork to greet the Captain. "Pretty crazy morning today, huh?"

"Yes, don't know what the Queen sees in that Martian. Bit on the psychotic side, if you ask me."

"Well,. . . the Queen could do worse. . .a _lot_ worse. Remember all those years she was infatuated with Dodgers? And almost married him? What a match in heaven that would have been!" He uttered with sarcasm as he shook his head, clearing loathing the notion.

"I suppose you have a point. Speaking of Dodgers. . .where is he? Johnson glanced around, obviously surprised Dodgers wasn't in eyesight and half expecting the duck to burst through the woodwork. "This time in the day, he's usually running around like a lunatic searching for candy."

"I needed to finish working on some top secret documents today, and couldn't afford any distractions. I sent him on a 'secret mission' to Germania Six." I.Q. smiled slyly to himself as he sipped his coffee.

"Why that planet hasn't been inhabited in decades!" Johnson smirked, a bit stunned at the man's craftiness.

"What he doesn't know, can't hurt him. . .besides I'm sure the council will forgive me this one transgression. . .it_ was_ for the greater good after all."

"Well, if you're finished, would you like to accompany me on another mission of diplomacy?"

"I don't know. . .I'm not much of a diplomat-"

"Don't worry about it. . .it says here I can bring a guest." Johnson whipped out a pink card with gold engraved writing. I.Q. gaped in shock as he recognized it instantly.

"You got invited to Queen Tyranni's wedding!" He asked stunned. "Well, that's not fair. I've know the Queen _twice_ as long. Why wasn't I invited?" I.Q. pondered, a bit hurt by the revelation.

"Who knows? Anyway, it had been sitting on my desk for the longest time and I had completely forgotten about it until the little . . .incident this morning. But it should be an excellent way to sooth over the tensions between Earth and Mars and extend the olive branch if we show our support."

I.Q. sighed. If anything, the least he could do was show his support for his longtime, if somewhat infrequent, Martian friend.

"Sounds simple enough. Let me just get one thing." I.Q. dug through his desk and pulled out what seemed to be a rather unusual, highly dangerous vacuum."I never use this thing anyway."

* * *

"Okay it's a jackal. . .a clown. . .a carwash! Is it a carwash!" A voice called out from the back of the church. Up front, Gus had a sketch pad propped up for an impromptu game of pictionary. 

"You draw like a four year old! Take some art lessons you hack!" The Martian elder, called out in frustration. Queen Tyranni sat off on the sidelines, eye twitching as though she might start picking off the others one by one. She grabbed a centurion robot and yanked it toward her.

"Kill me!" She snarled, obviously at her wits end.

"Uh. . .is that an order, Your Majesty?" The centurion asked, not sure if it could follow such a request.

"Your Highness!" A burly Martian Commander stormed though the doors accompanied by a number of Centurions.

"What now? Can't this wait!" The Queen rubbed her eyes in exhaustion.

"We found these Earth interlopers trying to sneak into Martian territory." The tall Martian yanked a bound Captain Johnson and I.Q. Hi into view.  
"Luckily we were alerted by an anonymous tipster, so we were prepared for their arrival. Since they are high ranking Protectorate officials, we figured you would wish to deal with them personally." The Queen looked down at the two Earthlings in disgust. 

"Well, it's not like I have anything better to do at the moment. Okay, Captain, can you explain to me why I should spare you? I usually don't take kindly to spies or other unannounced guests, and I'm already in an extremely fowl mood, so you better give me a darn good excuse!"

"Your Highness, you yourself invited me on this occasion. See, I have your invitation right here." The Captain fumbled with tied hands through his uniform and awkwardly produced the crumbled invitation for the Queen.

"We even brought a wedding present. . ." I. Q. gestured to an oddly shaped lump covered in pink wrapping paper and yellow ribbon. "It's a toaster oven."

"Yes. . . it would seem that this is an invitation. . . unfortunately, this offer, like my video rental club membership card, has already expired." The Queen clutched the worthless piece of paper in her hand.

"What do you mean?" Star Johnson gaped, obviously lost.

"First off, this was meant for Ignatius, not you. You should really consider reforming that postal system of yours."

"Really? You had invited _me_ to your wedding? Gosh, Your Majesty, I'm honored!" I.Q. beamed rather proudly at having been remembered.

"It hardly matters now. Secondly, you see this little four digit number right after the month and day on the card?" She pointed onto the invitation and continued in a patronizing voice as though address two small children "That's the year. And if you look closely, you will see that the year on this paper is lower and doesn't match this year. Therefore, it is safe to assume that this is the invitation I sent you for the wedding I had LAST YEAR!" 

"With all the times she gets hitched, it's hard to keep track." I.Q. muttered secretly to Johnson.

"I don't need your comments, Ignatius! It's bad enough I had to endure an hour of karaoke, charades and pictionary while I wait for the groom to show up, without hearing any snide commentaries."

"Wait a minute. . . the Commander isn't here!" Star Johnson spoke up.

"No. . ." The Queen's voice suddenly took a more somber tone. "I've been wondering. . .perhaps, . . .perhaps he's just given up on me."

"Now you can't think that!" I.Q. tried to console the distraught Martian woman.

"I don't see why not. After all, I did reject him before. . .on our own wedding day. . .at the alter no less. Maybe he thinks, I'll do the same again and has decided to save us both the grief. Not that I can completely blame him."

"With all due respect, that's nonsense, Your Highness." I.Q. stood up firmly. "We just ran into him this morning while he was on his way! He was on the verge of starting to slit throats if we detained him too long."The Queen's eyes widened in relish, perking up at the story of her Commander's loyalty.

"I've never seen such devotion." Star Johnson added. Tyranni seemed to relax for a while, before realization and horror suddenly dawned on her face.

"B-but if he was on his way. . .and he's not here. . .something must have happened! I have to find him!" The Queen lifted up the hems of her dress and ran toward the door. She turned and addressed several centurions. "Centurions, ready my ship and prepare for departure as soon as possible! Commander, you stay here and keep guards on alert in case you hear of anything."

"We'll join you." Star Johnson offered, silently gesturing for the tall Martian Commander to unlock his cuffs. "If something truly terrible has happened as you suspect, you can use all the help you can get."

"Thank you, I appreciate your support. One last thing. . ." The Queen approached Gustav, who was in the middle of some sort of scribble. "You, the Commander's annoying little relative."

"Yes, Your Highness?"

"There's been a slight change in plans. I'm leaving right now to find Commander X-2. I don't know when we'll return. In the meantime. . .just stall the wedding!"

"Why's it always _my_ job to stall them?" Gus skulked as the others left the chapel.

* * *

"You think we'll be able to find him?" I.Q. asked Tyranni a bit hopelessly. 

"I will not rest until we do! Keep scanning, Centurions."

"Your Majesty, we've picked up a small Protectorate space craft dead ahead." A centurion turned away from the counsel to address the Queen of the new data.

"That's not just any ship! That's Dodgers ship!" The Queen stood up excitedly.

"What's he going here?" Johnson had specifically remembered I.Q. telling him that Dodgers was supposed to be on his way to Germania Six, a two day trip both ways.

"Figures." I.Q. stated with unsurprised irritation. "Whenever something goes wrong it's a sure bet Dodgers will be nearby. . .causing it no doubt."

"Perhaps, we can acquire his assistance." Tyranni suggested.

"Sure, sure. . .if you don't mind carrying home your Commander in a matchbox." There was little doubt in I.Q.'s mind that Dodger's interference could only make things worse.

"Perhaps he's seen something. Send a greeting." Following the Earth captain's orders, the centurions opened up a communications relay for Johnson to speak to the ship.

"Dodgers? This is Star Johnson! Do you read?" They waited a few seconds, but received only silence in response.

"There's no answer."

"Probably taking a nap." I.Q. remarked cynically, crossing his arms.

"Dodgers? Cadet? Do you read? Answer!" Johnson bellowed into the communicator, but still received no response.

"Something's gone wrong. We better go check things out!"

* * *

Meanwhile on the Klunkin planet, three new workers, chained together at the ankles with laser tethers, were digging through the rock and dirt. The Cadet and Commander glared down angrily at the rocks, avoiding all eye contact, and taking their rage out on the lifeless stone. 

"I don't know what you two are sulking about."Dodgers finally broke the silence, no longer able to stand the lack of communication. "We've gotten out of worse situations."

"Yes, but slavery and manual labor usually weren't figured in the equation." The Commander swung down his pickax fiercely in frustration, shattering a particularly large bolder, sending thousands of fragments flying.

"Details, details. Trust me, we'll be out of here in no time!"

"H-h-h-how do you figure that!" The Cadet, sighed, though he doubted his captain would suggest anything useful.

"It's typical. We get in a scrap, the somehow the situation always manages to work itself out."

"Meaning we're on our own to figure a way out." The Martian Commander commented to the Cadet, resigning himself to not being able count on Dodgers for assistance.

"Quit yapping and get back to work!" A Klunkin guard barked at the three. He pulled out a laser whip and brought it down over the Martian's back with a sickening crack.

"Aaaaaooow!" The commander dropped his tool and rubbed his tender back in a lame attempt to assuage the pain. "You know Dodgers was talking, too!" The Commander declared when he noticed that he was the only one receiving physical punishment. His statement only earned him another lashing.

* * *

"We've searched the ship. No sign of anyone around. But there doesn't seem to have been a struggle here, other than the burnt doors." 

"And knowing Dodgers, that could just as easily have been the result of his attempt to make an extra crispy English muffin." I.Q. remarked, as he continued to survey the area.

"The Commander was with them as well" Tyranni walked onto the bridge from the ship hall carrying a familiar petite Martian uniform skirt.

"Question is, what's happened and where are they now?" Johnson pondered aloud.

"It was the Klunkins. No question." I.Q. turned around from the wall to face the others.

"How can you tell?" The doctor merely jerked a thumb to the wall, gesturing to some spray painted graffiti on the walls the read "General Sa'am and the Klunkin army was here."

"Call it a hunch."

"If that's the case, they're probably on the Klunkin planet by now."

"There it is. The Klunkin home planet. Good thing, we're not on a Protectorate ship. We must be breaking a hundred regulations with this stunt." Johnson remarked cynically as the Martian vessel approached the planet.

"I'll handle the Protectorate council." Tyranni reassured. "Just make sure that-" Her words were cut off as the ship shook violently, throwing the occupants around like billiard balls.

"Centurions! Damage report!"

"You Majesty, there appears to be a bizarre energy force being emitted from the planet. It's cutting off all. . .our. . .pow. . .er" The centurion's speech slowed to a standstill before it and every other robot shut down. The lights blinked off as the engines quit humming, plunging the crews into darkness.

"That can't be good." As soon as those words were uttered, another beam engulfed the ship, sending it plummeting through space toward the planet at reckless speed.

"QUICK! DO SOMETHING!" Tyranni shrieked at Johnson as she and I.Q. held onto each other for dear life.

"There's no power in the engines! We're being pulled in!" The three beings clutched at each other and screamed in terror as the ground rushed rapidly toward them.

The ship ruptured as it crash landed onto the barren land. Smoke billowed from the wreckage as the three crawled out through the shattered glass window to the outside.

"What. . .on Mars was that!" Tyranni coughed from the soot.

"It appeared to be some sort of mechanical disrupter. Anything electrical or mechanized was automatically disabled."

"Well, . . .that's a new one." Tyranni looked on at the crumpled mess of metal her ship had been reduced to.

"Looks like, we're on our own." I.Q. dusted himself off and the three headed off through the wilderness toward the unknown.

* * *

The three walked on for hours before they came across a cave. Klunkin guards halted and checked for ID of some others who had requested entrance while. They continued inside, wheeling in some mining equipment. The rescue crew hid behind some boulders as they assessed the situation. 

"There are guards posted at the entrance of that cave. Our rescuees could be in there." Johnson pointed out.

"So how do we get in?" I.Q. whispered out of the side of his mouth, his eyes never leaving the guards.

"There are probably more guards inside. There's too many to take head on. Stealth is probably the best way to go." Johnson sized up the situation.

"Any ideas?"

"Well. . .," Johnson rubbed his chin in thought before coming up with a plan, "there's always the ever famous femme fatale distraction ploy?"

"The what?" Tyranni asked incredulously, not sure that she heard right.

"Basically one of us dresses like a Klunkin dame and lures the guards away with their feminine charms." I.Q. explained.

"Okay. . .so . . .who's going to be the distraction?" The two men stared at the Queen. She narrowed her eyes and huffed in annoyance.  
"Fine! I'll go!"

* * *

"This is never going to work" Tyranni crossed her arms. She had been stripped down and was now in a skimpy leopard fur bikini and mini skirt. He hair was pulled back in a long ponytail with a bone barrette. 

"Sure it will! If Dodgers and the Cadet can pull it off, you'll have no problem." I.Q. tried his best to reassure the skeptical woman.

"I look like a Martian Betty Rubble."

"I don't know, I see you more of a prehistoric Halle Berry." I.Q. grinned.

"Don't worry, Klunkins are basically barbaric idiots. They'll chase anything in a skirt." Johnson said, trying to hide his smirk.

"Well, I suppose if we're going to have a chance, the least I can do is play cave tramp for a while." She ripped the bone out, letting her hair fall down haphazardly and wild.

"That's the spirit!"

"Good luck, Your Highness!" The two men mock saluted at they waited for the Queen to make her move.

* * *

"So then I said to Leslie, 'as if'. And then he goes-" 

"Hey there big guys!" A seductive voice floated in between the two Klunkin's conversation

"He said that?" The other Klunkin asked, slightly skeptical.

"No, you idiot!" The two turned to face where the intruder's voice came from, only to have their eyes fall out of their skulls at the most luscious creature ever to wear a leopard skin. The stunning woman leaned suggestively against the wall, batting her eyes to draw their attention.

"Looking for a good time?" She asked almost innocently.

"Sure thing, beautiful." The two men sauntered over to the woman to get better acquainted. Little did they notice the two humans tiptoing behind their backs past the entrance. Tyranni secretly smirked to herself as she continued to distracted the two hormonal humanoids.

"It's been so lonely on the other side of the planet." She pouted and twirled a lock of her white hair around her index finger. "Would you big strong men like to give me some company?"

"Well, that'll keep them busy for a while." I.Q. looked back at the two drooling Klunkins.

"Uh oh, I didn't expect this." Johnson grumbled anxiously from inside he cave. I.Q. joined his side to see what was the hold up. "There's a reinforced steel door blocking the way in."

"Well, the Queen can't keep those guards occupied forever! How are we going to get in?"

"There appears to be code needed. If I can short-circuit the console. . ." Johnson eased the metal plate open, revealing a nest of wiring inside the rock. He carefully explored the wiring, trying to determine which ones he would need to tinker with to open the door.

"Hurry it up, Johnson! I don't know how much longer Tyranni can hold out!"

* * *

"And that's how I singlehandedly crushed those invading telemarketers!" One Klunkin finished his tale of brutality. 

"You don't say" The Martian answered, not sure whether she should be disturbed or bored out of her mind from such drivel. What was taking those two so long?

"So , baby, how's about a kiss?" Tyranni nearly retched as the sweaty neanderthal leaned in toward her.

"As tempting as that sounds, I hardly know you. How about a friendly hand shake?"

"Hey, why the sudden cold shoulder? I thought you wanted company."

"Well, . . .I-I did. Nice, intelligent, conversational company. So what do you think of the stock market these days?"

"Come on, there's no need to be coy."

"I'll have you know, I'm engaged!" The Martian turned her back and crossed her arms in defiance.

"Which means you're still single for the moment." The Klunkin twirled her around to face him, determined to take what he wanted.

"You heard the lady! She doesn't want you. She wants a _real_ man!" The other Klunkin snatched her away and drew her nearer to himself.

"That's right. So why don't you two make yourselves useful and take me to one."

"Woah ho ho. Feisty little minx, ain't ya?" The Queen's eyes nearly bugged out of her head as she felt a rough palm work it's way down and give her a light smack on the butt. On reflex, her hand flew and smacked the Klunkin back, sending his head spinning almost completely around and leaving a glowing red palm silhouette on his cheek.

"Keep your lecherous hands to yourself!" She sincerely hoped the two Earth men were well on their way. She snuck a glance toward the entrance and saw the humans still standing there trying to figure out how to open the gate. She felt an angry flush reach her face as the last of her patience snapped.

"That's it! This is taking too long! Out of my way, cretins!" The two Klunkins had no time to defend themselves as the furious Martian grabbed the two of them by their necks and smashing the two thick skulls together, rendering them unconscious.

Johnson was still working on the console, when he was shoved aside, the Martian Queen taking over from his spot. Before he could protest, sparks shot off from the console, and the gate eased open, allowing just enough space for them to squeeze through.

"Your Majesty! How'd you do that?"

"Any Martian third grader could figure out how to do _that!_ And you wonder why we think Mars should take over your infantile planet."

"Now see here! Just because you deem yourself technologically superior, doesn't give you the right-"

"Discuss politics later, you two!" I.Q. managed to bring the two bickering people back to their agenda. The other two glared at each other before walking on.

* * *

They continued on for an interminable amount of time, weaving in and out of tunnels and ducking guards. They made their way through one corridor that opened out into a central gallery, where their targets were being held captive. 

"There they are! Now all we have to do is figure out how to get them out." Johnson whispered.

"I think the Queen has already figured that part out." I.Q. pointed toward the Martian ruler who was storming off toward the Klunkins.

"Is she insane! She's blown our cover! It's not like she can take on the entire Klunkin army." The two men looked on in shock and horror as the woman singlehandedly began taking down the warriors, leaving a trail of beaten bodies in her wake. Neither the Klunkin's superior strength nor their weapons seemed to give them enough of an edge.

"Then again. . ." I.Q. never thought that anyone would be able to hold their own against such barbaric forces. On the other hand, he had often read in his brother's psychological texts that intense emotion and desperation has many times led people to do extraordinary feats.  
"Note to self. Never get on Tyranni's bad side." Johnson could only nod his head slightly in mute agreement as they left their hiding place to lend a hand.

* * *

They had been going at it for hours. It seemed that no matter how hard they worked, they were never close to pleasing the Klunkins. Finally, fifteen hours later, the guards let them take a five minute break. The three men collapsed in a heap, overheated and exhausted. Dodgers eventually wandered off and absentmindedly began playing in the hole he had been working on for half the day. "Whew these acid fumes are starting to get me dizzy." The duck continued fiddling with the crater before his feathered fingers hit something.  
"Hey I think I found something!" Dodgers dug some more and pulled out a shiny glowing rock. He wasn't able to enjoy it for long as the minute he removed it from its place, searing green acid spewed out of the crack and onto Dodgers' face, leaving it a scarlet blistered formless lump. 

"Quite an improvement, Dodgers." The Martian Commander called from his spot on the ground.

"S-s-s-so what do do you m-mu-muh-m-make of it?" The Cadet managed, still out of breath.

"Well, . . .," The Commander waited until he could breathe somewhat normally, "there are at least twenty guards in this complex alone, working in two hour shifts."

"Any c-ch-ch-cha-ch-chance for escape?"

"Highly unlikely. . .we would need to find a way to distract the guards, then sneak out of the complex without attracting attention. Then we'd need to procure some method of transportation off the planet." He glanced over at Dodgers, who seemed to be quite content inhaling the noxious planet gases. He leapt around spinning and twirling like a demented ballerina dancer before he skidded to a stop and raised his arm in triumph.

"AH HA! I got it! I have a plan!"

"Of course, we could always wait for Dodgers to come up with some brilliant stratagem." Marvin rolled his eyes as he sat down patiently to await whatever nonsense the duck would be spouting out this time.

"Okay here's the plan. Martian, you over there and pretend to be Abraham Lincoln to distract the guards. Cadet, you take these rocks and build a giant pyramid for a lookout base. And I'll tame a flock of condors and train them to adopt us as their own. They'll teach us the way of the condor and then we'll fly to safely with our feathered brethren!"

"C-C-Cia-Cia-Cya-Captain, you should really stop breathing all of those fia-f-fia-f-f-fumes."

"You're so quick to assume it's the fumes." The Commander commented under his breath.

Terrified screams from the behind them interrupted them. The three whirled around to witness the occurring bloodbath that was being staged between the Klunkins and a lone, thoroughly enraged, Martian woman. The Commander's eyes widened as he realized just who the psychotic Martian was.

"Is-i-in-i-isn't that the Q-Qu-Quea-Qu-Qu-Quea your wife?" The Cadet pointed toward the warrior woman, equally stunned.

"So it would seem." The smaller Martian couldn't take his eyes off his fiancé as she seemed to effortlessly destroy anyone in her path. It was slightly frightening.

"You sure can pick them, Martian." Dodgers commented, not daring to look the other way lest he accidently be taken out with the others. "Better not step out of line, with this one." For once in his life, the Commander had to agree.

The three continued to watch the mayhem until a Klunkin flew overhead. A large battle-ax that he had been fighting with, flew out of his hand and sailed toward the prisoners. The three clutched each other in panic, bracing for the end. They peeked out from their shut eyes and saw the blade imbedded in the ground, severing the laser tether.

"We're f-fi-f-f-f-fi-fri-fr-free!" The Cadet jumped up glad to be released from bondage.

"Huzzah!" The Commander cheered as he looked on at the severed link that had been attached to his ankle.

"'Bout time!" Dodgers complained.

"Now's our chance! Let's offer our help and get out of here!" The Martian smashed his fist into his palm in preparation. There was no way he would abandon his Queen to deal with the savages alone.

"Right! Let's go!" Surprisingly enough, Dodgers was willing to offer his support as well. Dodgers and the Commander took off toward opposite directions, only to stumble and fall face down into the dirt. The two looked back and discovered that their other chain had not been severed, keeping the two linked.

"Oh man!" The Martian moaned as he looked in agony at his latest predicament. "WHY? Why do these things keep happening to me!"

"Hmph, I thought you'd be used to these kind of things by now."

* * *

"General!" A disheveled Klunkin stumbled through the palace, just managing to drag himself to the General's throne. 

"Oooo, what is it this time!" General Sa'am shooed away the Klunkin woman who was feeding him grapes. He glared down at his minion.

"We. . .we need reinforcements! Some Martian woman is attacking the guards in the mines!"

"You mean ta tell me that you much of lily-livered cowards are being showed up by some crazy broad!" The Klunkin shoved the taller being out of his way as he made his way toward the mines.  
"If it isn't one thing, it's anotha!"

* * *

There was only one man in her path now. The Klunkin looked around at his fallen brethren then back up at the wrathful Martian in front of him. If he backed down, he would never live it down. A shiver ran down his spine as the woman's eyes narrowed like a wild cat stalking a deer. Then again, he had always been fond of life, his own being no exception. 

"No! I'm a Klunkin warrior! I will not back down!" He glanced around to see if he could find a weapon of some sort. He could find nothing. . .except. . .He reached over and snatched the startled smaller Martian by his shirt. The little one squirmed in his grip, striking out blindly with his small fists.

"Oh forget it! I'm only embarrassing myself." The Commander resigned after he realized he couldn't even reach to put up a decent fight. The Klunkin wrapped his hand around the Martian's body, squeezing fiercely, threatening to pop the smaller Martian's head off. The Klunkin twirled the two around, in a strange display, switching his grip on the two. It soon became apparent that he wasn't planning on using them as mere hostages. He was preparing to use the two tethered prisoners as a weapon. Gripping Dodgers, he twirled the Commander around above his head, apparently preparing on using them as crude nunchaku.

"Ugh. . .I think I'm going to be sick." The Martian clutched his stomach as the walls began to stop spinning at high speed.

"Ehh, you get used to it." Dodgers sputtered, a bit dazed himself. The Queen stopped in her tracks, a bit unsure how she fight without seriously damaging the two hostages.

"Sorry about this." Tyranni spoke to the two captured men. The Klunkin lunged at her wildly. She stuck an arm out to block, which unfortunately ended up smacking the Commander in the face in the process. The Klunkin tried another attack, which was met with a counter attack. Blows continued to be exchanged between the two combatants, each issuing mind-numbing pain to the unfortunate men caught in the middle.

The barbaric warrior made a flying leap toward Tyranni, hoping to throw her off with his muscular bulk. The Martian dropped on her back and kicked the giant in the chest, using his own momentum to send him and the others flying behind her into the rock wall.

She winced as she saw Dodgers and her Commander smash headfirst into the stone with a sickening splat. She rushed over to them, seeing if there was anything left to salvage of the two. Dodgers and the Klunkin were down for the count, and her Commander was staring blankly at the ceiling in a daze. From the looks of it, most of the bones in his body had been either shattered or twisted into the opposite direction.

She bent down and pulled with all her might at the laser rope until it split and dissipated. Slowly, she scooped up the crumpled form in her arms. When she got her hands on that Klunkin General, he was going to pay in blood for his actions.

And from the looks of it, she would get a chance to collect sooner than she expected. The General himself, had just emerged from the hall, eager to see what on the planet had transpired.

"SA'AM! Get your fuzzy pint-sized butt over here this instant!" She shouted toward the red-headed alien.

"What in tarnation are you doin' here Queenie!" General Sa'am bellowed as he stalked toward the Martian Queen. "I thought we both agreed to a cease-fire!"

"Yeah well, all bets were off when you decided to abduct my fiancé!" She snapped back.

"Oh you Martians blame us for everything!" Sa'am waved off her accusation. "'Who unleashed a Klunkin virus on Mars to wipe out its people?' 'Who's Klunkin warship is that hovering about decimating the cities?'" He mocked. His eyes narrowed and he jabbed a thick finger at the Martian woman. "Well, let me assure you! I didn't touch your newest flavor of the month!"

"Well, what do you call this!" She gestured toward the prone Martian she was carrying. The short Klunkin squinted, trying to figure out what the mangled figure was under the black rags.

"What is that? Some kinda dead monkey!"

"That's my Commander you simpleton! The Martian you kidnaped and enslaved and who is supposed to be my husband this day!"

"Uh. . .Oh. . .you meant _that _guy!" Hoo boy, was he in a mess! Sa'am had sworn to the Queen that his planet would leave Mars relatively alone. Course, he never really followed the terms of their agreement if he thought he could get away with it. But from the looks of it, the Queen wasn't about to take any prisoners in this case.

If there was one thing Sa'am knew, it was that no one in his right mind would ever want to take on a cross female, of any species. Even with Klunkin women, the men knew when it was ok to fight and when it was time to back off. And right now, his senses were screaming _'Danger Will Robinson!'_

"You alright, darling?" Tyranni momentarily forgot the Klunkin as she checked on her lover. The Commander's eyes were unfocused and when he finally spoke up, he was in his own little world.

"But, Mommy, I don't want to wear the sailor suit! All the other kids call me a girl!"

"You are _so_ going to pay for this." Tyranni glared fiercely at Sa'am. A slight stirring in her arms got her attention. The Martian Commander was finally coming around.

"Huh,. . .what happened?" He glanced around dizzily, trying to figure out why his head hurt so much and why he was four feet off the ground.

"It's alright, my beloved. I'm here. And I swear, nothing will ever separate us again. " She nuzzled the short Martian and gently kissed him in reassurance.

"Well, if that ain't the purttiest thing I ever heard." General Sa'am spoke up, interrupting the tender scene. "So you. . .and you? Together? Well shoot, why didn't ya say so in the first place?" The Commander blinked, noticing the General for the first time. It took a minute for him to realize what had just been said.

"Wait a minute! I _did_ say so you moro-mmmff" Tyranni clamped a hand over her fiancé before he could finish.

"Not now dear." She really wasn't in the mood to have another interplanetary war with the Klunkins at this point.

"I guess I should'av figgured with the penguin suit. Ya know. . .I've been thinking. . .since you're a long ways off, how's 'bout we give ya two love birds a lift ta make up? Ya know, and then we forgit this whole thing happened. . .and you say nothin about you beatin' up all my men, What'ya say?" Seeing that the Commander was preparing to argue the point, Tyranni stepped up before he could say a word.

"That would be lovely, General." Tyranni turned to the Martian in her hands and spoke somewhat condescendingly, "Now, what do we say?" The Commander muttered something under his breath before turning to the Klunkin.

"Uh thanks. . .I guess."

* * *

Duck Dodgers sat back on the hospital bed irritably. With his only free hand, he grabbed the remote and began flipping through channels. Normally, he wouldn't have minded getting off with pay just to sit around and watch T.V. Unfortunately, he had to share the room with the Martian. In a Martian hospital no less! Which meant no free Jello snacks. 

Any joy Dodgers might have experienced at witnessing the little jerk's broken state was destroyed, since he, too was up to his neck in bandages from being a punching bag for the longest time. At least the Martian had use of both his arms by now. Oh well, at least he wasn't mummified and forced to take all his meals through a straw like the Cadet. Who would have guessed that such a big rock could just cave in and land on you just as they were leaving the mine?

The duck continued to channel surf for twenty minutes, never leaving a channel on for more the 3 seconds.

"Will you just pick a channel and stick with it!" The Martian on the bed next to him snarled after a while.

"Why don't you make me!"

"Oh what's the point?" The Commander sighed hopelessly, crossing his arms in defeat. "My love life is officially at an all time record low. After all the trouble, my Queen went through, I wouldn't blame her if she left me. . .again."

"I wonder if this thing gets HBO." Dodgers ignored the Martian, his attention still glued to the television.

"I'm supposed to be a Martian Commander!" The Commander continued his relentless self-loathing. "It's my job to protect Mars and its Queen! How can she even think about marrying me when I couldn't even defend myself?

"Nah, not even basic cable. And I thought you Martians were supposed to be _advanced!_"

"She probably thinks she'll have to rescue me on a regular basis. What kind of twisted irony that would be." The Martian sank back into the pillows in misery.

"Yeah, kinda defeats the purpose of having an army an' all." Dodgers addressed him for the first time. The door creaked open, and the Martian Queen stepped in, carrying a bouquet of flowers. Two centurion robots hovered outside as guard.

"I suppose now you've had another change of heart and are here to announce how you were mistaken about your feelings and cannot marry me ?" The Commander refused to look at the Queen, lest somehow eye contact would make his worst fears materialize.

"You know, if you're going to get snippy, I can just leave." Tyranni gestured toward the door, making it clear that it was an easy option.

"Sorry, . . .it's just that after all that's transpired, I can't imagine you actually wanting to be with me. Besides, I've almost come to expect as much. . .you know. . .ever since last time. "

"You'll never let that go, will you! I make one mistake-"

"You did it seven times." The Martian reminded her of the _other_ weddings she had decided to call off.

"She dumped you seven times!" Dodgers laughed at the unexpected news. "Boy are you a glutton for punishment!" Tyranni glared at the duck before remembering the depressed Martian next to her.

"Listen. . .I- I'm sorry if my past actions I made you think I didn't care about you."

"Seven times." Dodgers snickered.

"Be that as it may," Tyranni forced through clenched teeth, irritated at the little side comment, "I wouldn't have gone after you if I didn't feel _something_ for you. But I want you to know that I'm here for you now. . .if you're still willing." The bedridden Martian sighed and smiled slightly. He could never deny his Queen anything.

"Of course. I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Remind me to make an appointment with the dentist once we get out of here, Cadet. All this gushy sweetness is giving me cavities." Dodgers turned away in nausea at the sappy soap opera scene that was being played out in front of him.

"I know this day didn't turn out _quite _as we expected. . .but I've found something that I believe might make up for some of it." She looked toward the door and called out to someone outside.

"Okay, you may enter now." Star Johnson entered and stood off to the side. After him, General Sa'am and two Klunkins stepped through the door into the hospital room. The Commander, even with his broken bones, nearly leapt out of bed in preparation to fight or whisk himself and his Queen to safety.

"What are _they_ doing here!"

"Well, we _are_ supposed to wed."

"Leslie here's a certified priest. . . for some reason." Sa'am muttered a bit perplexed himself, gesturing toward one of the taller Klunkins behind him.

"I took an online course last week." The man stated proudly.

"Why didn't you just fetch the Martian elder? He usually does the ceremonies." The small Martian looked up puzzled toward Tyranni.

"Normally I would. Unfortunately, if I had sent for him, that would have tipped off our little 'guests'. And, no offense, but I've had quite enough of your relatives for one lifetime." The Commander shuddered slightly at the memory of his extended family.

"Point taken."

"Fortunately, the General and his men have kindly offered their services."

"Ah huh. . ." The Commander crossed his arms in skepticism. "They're getting paid for this aren't they?"

"An exceeding amount." She said in all seriousness.

"I suppose I can live with that. Hmm, K-9's still at the chapel, so I'll need another best man." Tyranni quirked an eye, startled.

"You picked your _dog_ as your best man?"

"Hey, he's man's best friend, so why not? At least I don't have to worry about him attracting a gang of villains to crash the ceremony this time. But, I suppose I'll need someone else to fill in since he's not here. . .Dodgers?" The Martian turned toward the duck next to him.

"Yeah?" Dodgers grinned.

"Could you ask the Cadet if he'd be willing to be my best man? I'm not sure he would be able to hear me through all the wrapping." Dodgers' smile faltered. The Cadet, apparently did hear the Commander's offer and nodded as much as his bandages would allow him.

"I'll take that as a yes." The Martian beamed pleasantly satisfied.

"People, if we could all settle down. I'd like us to begin." Leslie took out a book and began reading from it. "We are gathered here today to join these two in matrimony. If anyone here has a reason these two should not be wed, let them speak now." 

"You say one word, and I will guarantee your stay here will be permanent!" The Commander glared at Dodgers, halting the words that he had correctly guessed the duck was preparing. Dodgers shut his open beak, and Leslie continued on.

"Do you. . .uh. . ." He looked toward the Commander a bit lost. The other Klunkin behind him patted his friend on the shoulder reassuringly and reached into his pocket.

"It's alright, I have his ID from when I filched his wallet." Leslie took the licence, squinting to read the printed name, oblivious to the death glare the Martian was giving him for still possessing his stolen property.

"Do you uh. . .Marvin Zachariah Sidney Martian-"

"Marvin Zachariah Sidney! BAH HA HA HA HA HA!" Dodgers burst out in hysterics

"Hey shut up!" Marvin grabbed a cane that was leaning against the bed and wacked the duck on his tender bandaged foot.

"YEOW OW OW OW OW!" Dodgers reached for his abused foot and rubbed it to try and dull the excruciating pain.

"Like I was saying. . .Do you take this Martian woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I do." Marvin beamed without hesitation.

"And do you Tyranni Ma'r Sha'ma L'ao take this Martian to be your lawfully wedded husband?" Tyranni paused for a moment, rubbing her chin in thought.

"I don't know. . ." Tyranni smirked to herself. "I suppose I could. . .on two conditions."

"W-what are they?"Marvin shifted anxiously in waiting.

"First, your relatives are not allowed within ten miles of the palace ever again. . .and second. . .come here you adorable little Martian!"

"Done and done!" Marvin leaned in eagerly toward his Queen, and the two embraced in a passionate kiss.

"By the powers vested in me by the people at InstaClergy, I now pronounce you Martian and wife, you may now kiss. . .," Leslie paused awkwardly, realizing that the two lovebirds nowhere near finishing their first kiss, "er. . continue to kiss each other." Cheers were heard throughout the room and Johnson popped a the cork off a bottle of champagne, letting fizz spill over as he began filling glasses. I.Q. Hi popped in from outside, carrying a white box.

"Who wants cake?" He strolled in with the cake and began cutting pieces. After a few more minutes, the new couple separated and joined in the mini reception party.

"This is the happiest day of my life." Marvin smiled shyly at Tyranni.

"I know what you mean." The woman leaned in closer to cuddle with her mate.

"I can't imagine a better time. A simple reception, no fuss, close friends. . .and you."

"I couldn't agree more." Tyranni smiled, glad to know that neither of them had any regrets. I.Q. walked over and handed her a plate with a slice. She nodded and accepted it graciously. Marvin twiddled his thumbs for a moment, unsure how he would approach the subject on his mind.

"Um, you know," Marvin began casually, as though discussing the weather, " now that we're official partners in matrimony, I do believe it's customary to have a honeymoon. Perhaps we could request a vacant room and some-" Marvin was interrupted as his new wife shoved a rather large forkful of chocolate cake into his mouth.

"Have some cake dear." She said simply before returning to her piece, leaving her husband to wonder what that particular action was all about.

* * *

_In the future. . ._

Marvin looked back on the photo album and took off his half-moon reading glasses

"And that's how your mother and I were married. . .finally." A set of twins, about five years old, looked up to their father. One, was a dark-eyed girl in a pink shirt and purple skirt. The other, blue-eyed boy with short white hair dressed in a red and green variation of his father's uniform, spoke up.

"Are you just making that up?" Before Marvin could respond, a voice spoke out.

"Not at all." Queen Tyranni stepped up behind her husband and ruffled the bristles of his brush helmet affectionately.

"He went out for a tux, got abducted and spent three months in traction for it."

"Best ninety days of my life!" He remarked coyly as they exchanged a kiss.

The boy made a disgusted face before turning to his sister, who was rolling her eyes at the display. They were immediately interrupted by the entrance of a centurion into the throne room.

"Your Majesties, there are several civilians outside the palace gates who request an audience with you this afternoon. I told them that if they wished to speak with you, they would need to schedule an appointment, but one of them was rather insistent that he see you. He said you know him. Said his name was Gustav?" Marvin and Tyranni breaths hitched simultaneously in horror. The Queen turned toward her husband and smacked him none too gently on his shoulder.

"I thought you said you got rid of them!"

"I thought I _did!_ Someone must have slipped to them where we live!"

"I never should have trusted you for such a task. It's far too simple for you." She snapped furiously.

"Hey, don't blame _me!_" Marvin said defensively. "It was probably your old _boyfriend,_ Dodgers, who tipped them off!" He continued with dripping sarcasm. The centurion spoke up, interrupting his leaders' spat.

"Um, Your Majesties, what should I tell them?"

"Stall them for a moment, centurion." Marvin ordered the robot. He turned toward his wife, a hint of worry and dread in his voice."Honey, take the children into the playroom and wait there."

"Where are you going?" Tyranni asked after Marvin, fearing the answer. The short Martian took a breath for confidence and narrowed his eyes in resolve.

"I have some loose ends to tie up." He made a grab for his laser hunting rifle and cocked it before heading toward the entrance. Tyranni scooped up the kids in her arms, who looked after their father in wide-eyed shock. The boy turned to his sister, who glanced at him before remarking cynically.

"I never want to get married."

* * *

Th-th-thi-thia-th-that's all folks!  



End file.
